Points of Authority :: Chapter 8 -- Nothingness is a State of Mind
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He put a sly, but thoughtful hand to his chin. "Well, I don't know, actually... The only thing I'd probably duel for is Joey's sister-- OW, DUDE! GET OFF MY NECK!"
.: Points of Authority
.: Chapter 8: Nothingness is a State of Mind
A/n: This thing is 18 pages...no duel involved! I think that's a personal best. This chapter was pretty fun to write! Hey, review it too!
**********
You had surrendered.
The action had been more instinctive than pride-driven, that was for sure.
You were one one knee, the other bent in support while one hand was on your chest trying to hold in your livid heart. The position you were in was awkward and shortly after you had posed your free hand (the duel-disked hand) you grasped the cement ground to balance yourself.
Hyper, shallow breaths took over your thoughts as your heart competed for attention. You felt your ice cold hands through your shirt...and for some reason all you could truly think about was wanting to escape into a dark void where absolutely nothing existed, so that no one would know that you were alive.
Suddenly, the atmosphere around you got colder, like it was shifting into ice.
"How dare you even think of surrendering in my tournament?!" his voice nipped at your skin viciously.
Why couldn't you just explode into nothingness RIGHT. NOW?!
A fresh rush of anxious adrenaline spread through your body like a wildfire prompted by kerosene. You managed a, "K...Kai-ba, I..." through practically hiccupped breaths.
"But it really only shows--"
"Seto, she's...there's something wrong."
And almost as if that acknowledgement was an okay to let yourself go -- darkness had overcome you. A cold, anxious darkness.
**********
Your eyes opened painfully slow and your head swirled -- making everything in the room feel it had a "spinny edge". Wait, wait, wait, WAIT.
Weren't you outside before? What was this place?
It looked like you were in a back room...a small back room and -- HOLY CRAP!
You nearly fell off of the sorry cot you were positioned on. Somehow, you had missed Mokuba's face which was approximately an inch away from your own. You put a quivering hand to cushion your face. "Geeze, Mokuba...you can't --"
"Seto said you had a panic attack! Are you okay?! Do you hurt anywhere?! Are you--"
"Mokuba!" you said firmly. You were feeling slightly ambushed by Mokuba's worry. "I'm okay, I--"
You cut yourself off now realizing that Mokuba had mentioned Mr. Killjoy and the atmosphere around you hadn't froze over in a Hellfire...
"What is this place...?" you asked more to the room.
Mokuba looked a little brighter, pointing a finger and looking knowledgeable. "This is a duelist cafe! Kaiba Corp. kinda sponsors it so Seto was able to get us into this back room even though it's closed for Battle City!"
As soon as Mokuba had mentioned 'Battle City' the only door to the room opened viciously, swirling the musty scent of the back room into your nose.
Of course. Kaiba. Who else could make such a ridiculous entrance?
He looked, quite possibly the most annoyed and perturbed you could have imagined him. When Kaiba made eye contact with you he merely intensified a glare and looked his glare. "I see you're awake."
"Speaking of which," you turned towards him primly, now sitting on the cot. A competitive streak had just run through you. "I thought you said you weren't going to put up with me blacking out anymore...?"
Kaiba was rummaging through his giant, metallic suitcase as he answered, "Actually, I vividly remembering saying I wasn't going to put up with you fainting on me anymore," and another one of his strategically placed pauses followed. "However, I deal with panic attacks in my line of work everyday."
You couldn't hold back the derisive snort that automatically followed. "'Deal'...? More like 'lack-thereof'--"
"Hmph," he managed while standing tall to continue. He set a snarky fist on his waist as his mouth set into a very familiar smirk... "Letting the person pass out is simply the most efficient way to handle the situation."
You didn't feel your body register anything at all, but somehow you suddenly snapped.
"I felt like I was dying and you decided to deal with it based on efficiency?!"
Kaiba's stance was rigid and serious, but what really gave you that bad feeling in your stomach was the resolved look that he was clearly directing at you.
Kaiba kept still in his stance and simultaneously rose one clutched hand to the side of him and said, "Mokuba, go get a drink," and dropped the money in his little brother's hand as he hesitantly obeyed.
And just as the door closed and "clicked"...
"What are you getting at?" he demanded in a low tone. It made your skin crawl.
"Kaiba...what are you talk--"
"I'm in no mood for games!" It almost seemed like he had appeared right in from of the cot, towering above you in cold authority. "Just how stressed can you of all people be?!"
You slowly tried to inch away...putting any distance between the two of you seemed to make you feel a little easier...
"The migraines, the fainting...and now panic attacks?" he listed incredulously. Kaiba walked away after that spat, seeming to now try to figure out things for himself, his back turned to you. "You're from America, you duel, you've also been unfitly sponsored to come to Japan...to play in my tournament..."
You hadn't noticed his pause, too preoccupied with wondering how long it would take you to make it to the door...
>SLAM!<
The hollow sound of hands slamming into a cushion struck your attention. It took a brief moment for you to process that Kaiba's hands were to both of your sides and his face was about three inches from yours in a nasty snarl.
If he was trying to intimidate you...it was working.
"Just how much more attention do you need?!"
As soon as your face began to contort into a vicious glare, Kaiba had risen from his position and stood sideways with his arms crossed.
"'Attention', Kaiba? You think all this stuff is happening because I want 'attention'...?"
Kaiba didn't answer at first...that was strange. In fact, he had handled this whole situation completely different than what you'd normally expect. His comment came suddenly and he didn't face you as he said it.
"It's obvious you're nothing more than a spoiled child."
Your mouth went slackjaw. 'But that's what...that's what he always told me...'
You glanced back at Kaiba... Fury nipped at your every limb. WHY wasn't he looking at you?!
Not able to contain the emotional storm Kaiba's comment had started, you headed for the door in a fleeting response.
'You have to say something... You have to say something or else he's WON! Just like...'
You had your hand on the door knob and you were poised to dart out of the door. You paused, however, your voice heavy with emotion as you headed out the door. "You know... You could at least look at me before insulting me."
You slammed the door shut in an emotional fit and hazily made your way to the front of the duelist cafe and out to the darkened city streets of Domino.
**********
It had been your first good cry in a long while.
"It's obvious you're nothing more than a spoiled child."
It kept resonating in your ears. Perhaps it was the fact that someone other than your father had called you something that he always had... And that scared you. Maybe that meant that all of the crap you had put up with from your father throughout the years...maybe they had been right.
That's what scared you the most about Kaiba's comment.
If that was true...than that meant you were worthless to him. And this tournament...there would be no point to go on even if you did win it based on the agreement with your father.
God, how pathetic was that?
You had worked your whole life to make your father proud of you, but you always seemed to fail.
Your eyes began to tear up again. 'And now even Kaiba can see how worthless I am...'
You felt exposed. The only other person in your life that you never wanted to realize that you were worthless other than your father knew that you were...
This was so stupid! Why did you ever think you could get your father to like you? And why did you ever think that you could have a normal relationship with him...?
"KENZIE!!!!"
Stunned, you snapped your head over to your left; it was Mai...in a convertible.
"Geeze, girl, are you deaf?! I've been yelling for at least five minutes!"
You could only answer Mai with the blankest look you could muster.
Mai sighed irritably. "Well, are you gonna get in or what?"
Mechanically, you made your way over to the passenger side of Mai's light blue convertible and seated yourself without a word. Mai revved the engine and took off down the road once you were in.
You felt the cool breeze of a warm day glide over your body and your hair dance with an enthusiasm that your life was void of at the moment.
After some time, Mai began conversation from her oh-so-cool pose behind the driver's wheel. "Soooo...what happened?"
"Huh?" was the best answer you could give -- you honestly didn't hear most of what she said because you were still so focused on Kaiba's comment. Mai took your response as playing dumb.
"Oh come on, Kenzie," you could hear Mai's eyes roll in sarcasm. "I know when you've talked with Kaiba so spill."
"And what the hell is tha--"
"--Just answer the question," Mai cut in firmly.
You folded your arms in a pout, but it sunk into a timid posture when you recalled the events from earlier. "Nothing."
"Hmph," Mai automatically replied in a dark sarcasm. "It was that bad, huh?"
You know, it was getting really annoying that everyone was blaming your attitude on Kaiba. Kaiba didn't get to you that much in first place! Honestly!
"Mai, it has nothing to do with Kaiba, and it's nothing, alright? I'll be fine so stop worrying so much..."
She slammed on the brakes in contempt and the car lurched forward.
Mai's eyes were in a deep scowl...and she looked like she was going to tear off one or two of your limbs. "KENZIE! I am SICK of you telling me that nothing's wrong! And I'm not stupid. I know that it's not Kaiba himself that gets you into these moods, but for God's sake...I'm trying to be your friend, dammit!"
Your eyes snapped up to meet her's from the interesting spot on the floor of the car.
"Oh, don't give me that face!" Mai scolded. "Don't tell me you didn't know we were friends!"
"That's not what I meant!" you rebuted, squeezing your eyes in frustration.
"Then tell me what's wrong, Kenzie," she prodded firmly.
You hesitated, still staring at the fascinating spot on the car floor. "My...father..." Your mouth went dry and it was getting hard to swallow. You had never told anyone this before...even your friends at home. "He...
"I...
"MAI I CAN'T DO THIS RIGHT NOW!"
Tears pooled in your eyes and streamed down your cheeks with experience.
"Alright, alright! Just don't cry on me," she ushered comically, her demeanor changing instantaneously. "Here, take this and clean off your face."
She pulled out a handkerchief from her bosom and it flew across the speeding vehicle and landed in your lap. You stared at it blankly in horror...not from the fact that it flew across a moving vehicle and didn't get sucked out of her convertible, and then landed perfectly in your lap...
...but because it came from her boobs!
"You're kidding, right?" You still stared at the cloth like it was going to eat your face off if you moved suddenly.
"What are you talking about?" she asked nonchalantly while driving, not looking at you.
"Wipe my face with your BOOB cloth...REALLY?!"
Mai gave you a fast, horrified look while still driving. "It is NOT a 'boob cloth'!"
You positioned yourself to face Mai's body. "What?! Do you see where that handkerchief came from? It's a boob cloth!"
"It came from my diaphragm area...NOT my chest!" she defended. "Besides, do you see anywhere else I can put it?"
You smirked, now feeling better. "Well, that's true..."
Her eyes bulged incredulously. "What's that supposed to mean?!"
"Nothing."
"Oh no! You tell me what that means!"
"Well...," you teased. "If you wore more clothes maybe you'd have enough material for pockets too..."
She pouted in resolution. "I am perfectly confident in what I wear."
"You'd have to be."
Mai's contorted into an evil glee, hands tightening around the wheel. "Oh that's it! I am SO paying you back for that, Kenzie!"
Your stomach dropped. You knew that face... She wanted you do something for her, but what was it going to be?
"What are you talking about Mai?" you began with a tinge of hesitancy. "I just got you back for getting me LOST on the way to Battle City today!"
"Well, Kenzie," she smirked. "You obviously don't know what you're talking about because I couldn't have gotten you lost if you were moping and not paying attention."
"I wasn't moping!" you refuted. "I was strategizing!"
Mai raised an incredulous eyebrow. "How can you strategize if you don't know who you're competition is going to be?"
You closed your eyes calmly and said, "Kaiba."
You heard her sigh in annoyance. "Sometimes, I think you are positively obsessed with that guy."
"Not 'obsessed'," you corrected with a finger. "'Ardent'."
"Yeah, yeah...," The car stopped. "Are you ready to pay me back yet?"
Your body went numb. "About...what we were just--"
"Yes, because if you don't do it now then I'll make it worse later. That's a promise."
You swallowed...hard. "Yeah, but how do yo..."
Mai had pointed behind you, and your words faded as you turned to follow. You saw a pizza place that was indubitably named "Pizzaria". How original. Especially with you also noticing that Yugi and co. were walking right into the front doors as well. You turned back to Mai.
"Are you serious? You want me to be social with all the crap I just went through today?"
"Well maybe if you were a little nicer you wouldn't find yourself in these situations, now would you?"
"Oh, right! Blame it on me when you're clearly the one forcing me do it!"
Mai speed up her car a little and began to turn into the parking lot beside the pizza place. "Not 'force'," she mocked. "'Compel'."
**********
Two square tables, six chairs, and 30 confusing minutes later...
"You mean, one for you, one for Tristan, and one for the rest of us, Joey." That was Tea.
"Yeah, yeah, whatevah! I just wan' it t' get hea!"
"Speaking of impulsive," Tristan motioned smoothly. "Joey got into a duel with Weevil today..."
"...And barely won," Tea supplied.
"Well that's no surprise," Mai nudged.
"Man, what's with you guys? You act like I'm a bad duelist er sumthin'...," Joey pouted. "Sum friends you are! Did you guys forget that I finishe--"
"--Second in Duelist Kingdom," everyone but you supplied dully.
"So, I'm guessing you won against Weevil today, right Joey?" Yugi verified.
"O' course I did!" Joey paused. "For a minute dere it sounded like you were doubtin' me, Yug'..."
Yugi hesitated. "Well, ya know...I'm just always there when you win, ya know...and I'm kinda like your lucky charm or something..."
"I'll say," Mai commented from her chin.
"Yeah," Tristan started chuckling. "All he has to do is rub Yugi's head and he's got a win!"
"What?" That was Tea again, this time confused. Your eyebrow was raised. What did Tristan mean?
"Tristan! I swear I'm gonna rub your head so hard dat you ain't gonna have any ego left t' run your mouth!" Joey seemed to be pretty livid as he chased Tristan around the small and cramped pizza place. Everyone else just hung their heads in exasperation.
"That's pretty tough talk, Joey. Ya think you can back it up?"
"Damn straight I can! You wouldn't even know the first ting abou--"
"You guys are gonna get us kicked out and then we're not going to have any food!" Tea reminded them. It didn't seem to stop the two for continuing their charade. "Did you here me, Joey? NO. PIZZA."
They were both back in their seats in seconds, Joey only mildly growling at a smug-looking Tristan.
You sighed, slightly shaking your head. Even all of that wasn't seeming to cheer you up anymore...
Tristan playfully punched your arm. "Why the long face? Me and Joey not amusing enough for ya?"
You blinked in confusion. Did he seriously mean they had done that on purpose...?
"Just...hungry...," you answered. Quick change of subject sounded good to you right now. "Anyway, Joey, how'd you beat Weevil? I hear his defense strategies are like traps."
"Yeah," Mai chimed in. "And only duelists like Joey would get caught in them..."
"Knock it off, Mai! You know dat ain't true!" Mai simply smiled impishly.
"Anyway, Kenzie... I actually made th' winning move through a trap card. I used Robbin' Goblin t' steal an' use Weevil's Bug Spray card an' got rid of his Insect Queen!" Joey finished with a laugh.
"Sounds simple enough," you thought out loud.
"Joey," Yugi pondered. "How did you let Weevil get his Insect Queen out on the field? That's one of his most powerful cards!"
"Remember the impulsive comment I made earlier...? OOF..." Tristan had apparently been jabbed in the stomach by Joey from under the table. He was giving him a rather nasty look.
Tea still finished Tristan's defense. You were assuming that practically everyone liked picking on Joey at this point.
"Well," Tea began. "Joey was making some pretty mindless moves until we reminded him that his sister was counting on him too. He sure straightened up his game after that."
"You guys are impossible! So I got a little nervous when I almost got kicked outta th' tournament by dat creepy Weevil!" Joey's countenance shifted to modesty. "I jus'...want t' duel fer my sister. She can't see none of dis stuff yet..."
"It's cool, Joey," Tristan assured. "I get nervous too when I play."
That struck you as odd: Tristan wasn't even registered. "But Tristan," you prodded innocently. "You're not in the tournament..."
"He only gets nervous because of his lack of skill," Tea supplied.
Tristan secluded himself in a fake corner. "Man, you guys really are horrible! Hittin' a guy when he's not lookin' like that..."
"Poor Tristan, having to be the scapegoat like that," Mai commented. "...Or is it Joey...?"
"Well, we kinda switch between them," Tea explained.
You sat back as most of this was going on; you were so transfixed on this crazy bunch that you couldn't remember what you had been so upset about.
"Well, Tristan," Yugi began intently. "If you did duel, what would you duel for?"
A cold wall of nothing hit your stomach. You didn't like where this was going for some reason.
Tristan had bolted back to the table, suddenly feeling a part of the group again. He put a sly, but thoughtful hand to his chin. "Well, I don't know, actually... The only thing I'd probably duel for is Joey's sister-- OW, DUDE! GET OFF MY NECK!"
"When I'm done wit you, you won't even THINK about my sister, ya got dat, Tristan?!" Joey had somehow mangled Tristan's body into some contorted wrestling move. A resounding sweatdrop rolled down the room.
"What about you, Tea?" Yugi seemed a little more intent on her answer.
"Um... I guess I never really thought about it," she hesitated with a laugh. "I guess if I did...it would be for my friends to be happy!"
A small silence passed (minus grunting from Joey and Tristan) and Yugi gave a genuine smile in Tea's direction.
"Geeze, Tea. Always the sap, aren't you?" Mai mocked from her seat.
"At least I'm not being selfish!" she pouted in defense. "It's not the least I could say for you, though!"
"Dueling for money and fame is not selfish if you've never had it," Mai rebuted simply.
"That's a good point," Yugi commented from his finger.
"Yu-gi!" Tea warned.
"I mean, uh, Kenzie!" Your head snapped over to look at Yugi and your stomach froze over. "What do you duel for?"
A wave of resolve hit you and covered the cold feeling in your stomach. "That's a little personal, don't you think?"
Yugi retreated his arms back to his sides and his posture became slumped. "Well...I guess I thought because everyone else shared...that you might be willing to share too..."
"To share with people you're close to is fine, but I hardly know you," you stated with a tinge of offense seeping into your voice.
"That doesn't mean you have to be rude about it," Tea noted in resolve. She was now standing behind Yugi's chair, which you were seated right in front of.
You scooted to the edge of your seat, refusing her challenge to stand up. "I wasn't being rude; I was stating the facts!"
Even the commotion that Joey and Tristan were causing had stopped at this point. The thick tension was making it a little harder to breathe now.
"It's getting late, guys, and some of us have duels tomorrow," Mai concluded solemnly as she rose from her chair. "Kenzie, we should probably get going."
You stood up with dignity from your chair and followed Mai out of the door. "We'll see you guys later." There were some weak greetings from behind you as Mai closed the door of the pizza place behind her.
As you two turned the corner and dispersed to Mai convertible doors, she opened her door and said, "It better be good."
"What?" you said, caught off-guard.
"I said, it better be good," she looked at you with a lowly tone as you got in. "The reason you duel and can't tell anybody. I missed out on some good pizza, ya know..."
You sat there in the passenger seat as Mai turned the ignition and headed out of the parking lot. The amount of guilt was making you slump in the leather seat. You suddenly felt obliged to tell Mai the reason because you had robbed her of time with her friends. Friends that she had introduced you to...
"Mai," you began meekly. "The reason why I duel..."
It suddenly got quiet like you were entering a void. Even the movement of the car seemed to slow.
"My dad, he... Gah! Okay," you hesitated and ended with a loud sigh. "I made this agreement with my dad...that if I win a Duel Monsters Tournament he would let me stay in the house and he would pay for my college."
"Well, that doesn't sound so bad to say in front of others," Mai commented quietly after a while.
Your eyes squeezed together. "Thing is...this tournament is my last chance." You swallowed. "I'm going to get kicked out of my house and I don't have a steady job yet and--"
"Whoa! Hold on, now!" Mai interjected. "None of this has happened yet! And besides it sounds like your dad is a jerk anyway and you don't have to go home to that. You could find a steady job and get your own place!"
You picked up a bit. "You're right, Mai. I still could win the tournament!"
"Well, I didn't say that, but standing up for what you believe in is important, ya know."
"I know," you said while looking to the side. "I just want to prove him wrong this time. I want to show him that I'm worth something."
"So, you duel to prove yourself too, huh," Mai gave a small smile.
"What? But you said that you--"
"Sure, that's how I define it to others, but if you look closer most duelists are dueling to prove themselves to the world because they've been wronged in some way," Mai kept intent on the road. "Except for that Yugi... I honestly think the reason why he's such a good duelist is because he's beyond that motive."
You looked at her curiously, wondering where she hid all of this insight. A short and thoughtful silence passed.
"Anyway!" Mai interjected abruptly. "How about you and that Kaiba? Has he started to endearingly criticize you yet?"
A warm tinge of anger appeared on your temple. "Mai, don't even start with me on this subject."
"Oh! He has, hasn't he?"
"Mai, I will kill you."
She practicially squealed when you said that. What was wrong with her, anyway?
