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DECEPTION! The 'Wheel of Answers' Spins its Web!
Ashi: Who is this 'Ertai,' really? And what affiliation does he have with Xellos?
Xellos: Sore wa himitsu desu!
Ertai: I love that mysterious are about me. [I'm just not as crazy as Xellos when he's not around me!]
Lina: Now there's TWO of them?! Oh L-sama, take me now!
Ashi: ^^'
[by Puju]
*~* In the Desert of Ancients*~*
"So....do we know where to find this Djinn guy?" Zephyre asked.
"Other than in this endless dessert? No." Lina replied.
"Do we know how to find him?" Zelgadis queried.
"We could try looking." Lina said, impatiently.
"In the unlikely event that we do find him, how do we know it's really him?" Zephyre pressed.
"Um.....ask him?" Gourry suggested.
"Good Answer!" Lina exclaimed.
Zelgadis sighed. They weren't getting anywhere by pressing Lina for information she apparently didn't have. Still, she may just be holding out on us so we stick with her, Zelgadis thought. "Do we know how to fight him if we find him?"
"Well, Mister Ertai said not to use any wind magic on him..." Amelia said slowly.
"Why does everyone keep implying that this thing is a 'him'?" Atalya asked, heatedly.
"Does it matter?" Filia snapped, angrily. Evidently, she still wasn't over the fact that Xellos had slipped through her grasp once again.
"Can we nix the questions, please?!" Lina sighed. She secretly hoped that Zelgadis hadn't figured out that she didn't know anything, and was only banking on finding the Djinn soon, while he was with her, so he'd help her defeat it. She knew he wasn't the kind of person to just leave one of his friends hanging. She also hoped that Zephyre was going to hang around for a while too. She wasn't sure she could take this thing on, with only Amelia, Atalya, and Gourry for back up. Suddenly, Lina noticed a faint, white structure in the distance. "Come on! This way!" Lina cried. The other followed in earnest. As she approached the structure, she saw it was an ice cream truck. 'Dessert in the middle of the Desert?' Lina thought. Still, she walked towards the dairy vendor as the others stood there and complained about the weather, as well as their latest quest. The ice cream man was holding an ice cream cone out to Lina. She ran up and grabbed the cone...only to miss and find it only a foot away. She grasped at the cone again, but, as before, to no avail. It seemed to be evading her greedy clutches, and wasn't more than an inch from her fingers. 'This time,' Lina thought, 'I won't take my eyes off it! I'll get that cone, and it's pretty ice cream, too!' She proceeded to bum rush the cone, lunging at it with full force, only to watch the cone move further out of her way. Meanwhile, the other Slayers watch on, as Lina jumps around, aimlessly.
"What is she doing?" Zephyre sighed.
"With Miss Lina, you always wonder..." Amelia sighed.
Suddenly the ice cream cone stuck a tongue out at Lina. 'That damn thing! she thought angrily. Now it's just mocking me! I'll get this little bastard if its the last thing i do!' The ice cream cone seemed to notice Lina's anger and fled further into the desert as Lina chased it, followed by Zephyre, Zelgadis, Gourry, Atalya, and lastly (and always least) by Amelia.
"Come here, damn you!" Lina cried.
"We're trying, Miss Lina!" Atalya shouted after her.
"Huh?"
Lina looked behind her. It seemed as though Amelia and the rest of them wanted the ice cream too! 'Well, I don't think so!' Lina thought greedily. 'There's no way they're getting their grubby little paws on my ice cream.'
"You can't have any!" Lina yelled.
"Any what?!" Zelgadis shouted. " and why are you running so damn fast?!"
"Gotta catch....*huff* *puff*....the ice cream!"
"Ice cream?" the remainder of the Slayers stopped and pondered.
"Maybe she's seeing things..." Filia said.
"Maybe she's crazy!" Amelia gasped.
"Well..."Zephyre sighed, "we know she's crazy."
"But the mirage theory seems plausible...maybe she is seeing things..." Zelgadis said.
"We should help Miss Lina!" Atalya cried, overenthusiastically.
"Do we have to?" Gourry whined.
Eventually, Lina had come across a triangular-shaped building where she could trap the floating ice cream cone. She made her final leap on top of the ice cream cone, which she finally cough hold of, but then disappeared. Lina almost cried with disappointment. "Why me...? Waaahaahaa...." Lina sobbed. T_T
As they chased Lina, the Slayers crew came upon a pyramid-like temple. A stone slab at the temple's base had runes all over that were strange to the Slayers crew, and Lina, who was still heartbroken over the departure of her ice cream cone, was shouting uncontrollably.
"I STILL can't believe it! A mirage! Of all the things....DAMMIT!! Doesn't that just beat all...."
"Oh, calm down. It was just food, after all." Zelgadis scolded.
"What do you mean, just food?!" Lina shrieked.
"Yeah! It wasn't just food! It was just ice cream!" Gourry said.
"No....it was injust!" Amelia said.
"Oh....whatEVER!" Zephyre huffed.
"Anyway....where are we?" Atalya asked hauntingly.
"Yeah....I don't recognize these runes at all...." Amelia said, confused.
"Well....it's a temple in the middle of a desert! Who could possibly know if we went in and checked some things out? Maybe we'd even find out why this temple's here in the middle of nowhere, and possibly what these runes translate out to." Lina said.
"Hmmm....that's funny isn't it. We just happen to be where we're supposed to. Sad how the writers couldn't be a little less blatant or even a little less predictable..." Zephyre groaned.
"Miss Zephyre! I think you're revealing to the others that this is just a fic and not for real...although, I think Mister Zelgadis knows..." Atalya whispered. "but anyway," she said, louder so everyone could hear, "We just have to go inside!"
"And why is that?" Zelgadis queried.
"Because it's hot! And I want a drink!" Atalya whined.
Zephyre facefaulted. "Grr-OAN!"
"Let's go!" Lina cried, as she grabbed the stone slab and the rest of the Slayers crew headed into the temple. Suddenly, three mysterious mist-like entities formed around Atalya, who was lagging behind the rest of the group.
"Hahaha! Nice job! Now Lina and her friends (except maybe that Zelgadis guy) will never know this is just a fic! Ha-Hahaha!" said Author 1(Puju-kun).
"Riiight..." sighed Author 2(Ashi-san). "I think they know, you guys...."
"Mwa-hahahaha!!" Author 3(Ari-chan) laughed contemptuously.
"Um......you guys are scaring me...." Atalya ran into the building with Lina and co., as Puju-kun and Ari-chan laughed and Ashi-san sweatdropped.
*~*Inside the Temple of Ancients*~*
"It's cold..." Atalya whined.
"Is the temperature EVER right for you?!" Filia cried.
"No..." Atalya complained.
"Well anyway..." Lina raised her voice so everyone would shut up. "We've GOT to find out what these mean...they could be ANYTHING!"
"I know what they are." Zephyre said flatly.
"What?" Lina asked, indignantly.
"Ancient." Zephyre stated.
"Grrrrr.....well, that's just like....DUH, ZEPHYRE!!"
Zephyre grinned. "I know."
"ANYway....I've just GOT to figure out these runes! Maybe they'll lead me to the Mahamoti Djinn..." Lina searched.
*~* ???? *~*
"Why is that you, 'hang out' with that repulsive Inverse woman?! You seem to....like it! Yuck! She's vile!" Ertai sighed.
"You mean you don't like her? I think Miss Lina is very respectable as a sorceress!" Xellos grinned.
"But she makes for a poor and sloppy human being..." Ertai groaned at the very thought of Lina Inverse.
"Well....yeah! I'm trying to get her to think that so maybe she'll join us!"
"Are you crazy? Do fish swim in your stream of consciousness? No! I won't allow it!"
"But why not?" Xellos asked, giggling at Ertai's choice of dialogue.
"Well, let's see...she would only annoy people the whole time....hmm....she'd be able to talk to me, whenever she wanted rather than when I felt like showing up...she'll ruin all the mystery of our parts! Besides, do you actually think she can benefit us at all? I don't."
"Hmph. That much is obvious. However, you are correct. Lina wouldn't be of that much use anymore. I'm tired of leading her on endless romps across the world, destroying Dark Lords in the process, and bringing her right back to where she started. We need something...different. Something new." Xellos pondered.
"You're right, of course...How shall we do it?" Ertai asked, darkly.
"I have an idea...she'll hate it, of course..." Xellos sighed.
"However...that's the plan, is it not? To annoy her to no end?"
"Yes...but maybe it's not just time for something new...but someone. Xellos thought.
"Maybe...but I think this last one on Lina should be enough...then we can move on." Ertai said.
"Alright then! Let's go!"
"Oh...and please don't be so giddy...it's unbecoming..." Ertai sighed.
*Xellos gives evil grin*
*Ertai sighs*
*~* Inside the Library of Ancients*~*
"Ugh! These books are full of more of these stupid runes! Why can't we find a translation, or, or SOMETHING! ANYTHING! I'm SO through with this place...we can't find ANYTHING! I'm leaving!" Lina cried.
"Calm down, Lina...it's not that big a deal..." Amelia sighed.
" Not that big a deal?!" Zephyre cried. "What do you mean, Not that big a deal? These hieroglyphs could depict an ancient tale of some sort, that could revolutionize our history!"
"Or a Legacy!" Atalya said.
"Or a Prophecy!" Filia said, knowingly.
"Or it could say, 'Ishida's Chikin and Waffflez' for all we know! I'm with Lina! Why are we still here?!" Zelgadis snapped.
Suddenly a door opened. A boy was looking at them like he was freaked out. "Ahhhhhh! Matt! Help!" the boy screamed.
Matt came through the doorway. "What's your problem, TK? Oh..." he said, noticing the Slayers crew. "What are you doing here?"
"What are we doing here? What are you doing here? This is a SLAYERS fic! Why are you in it?" Zephyre shouted.
"Huh? What are you talking about? This is the back room in my mom's restaurant; a chicken/waffle house." Matt said, matter-of-factly.
"I told you." Zelgadis sniffed.
"..." Zephyr groaned at Zelgadis, "Shut up..."
"But..." Filia stammered. "What about the runes?"
"Oh yeah!" Lina shouted. "That stone slab at the base of this temple!" She showed it to Matt.
"Huh? Oh, probably just someone's take-home menu."
*Slayers crew sweatdrops -_-*
*Matt, TK, and the doorway all vanish*
"Huh? What's going on now?" Zephyre groaned.
"Glad you asked!" An all-too-familiar voice said, as Xellos and Ertai appeared.
"NO!" Lina shouted. "Not them! ANYONE but them! Please, bring that blonde geek in the bucket hat, and the other blonde geek with the crazy hair back and get rid of these guys!" Lina shouted.
"Oh, calm down, Miss Lina!" Ertai said happily.
"Yes, we've a game for you to play!" Xellos grinned.
"NO! No games!" Lina cried.
"You don't like games, Lina?" Ertai pouted.
"NO! I don't!"
"Oh...I think you do." Xellos grinned evilly.
"Let's play! I want to!" Gourry said.
"Yeah!" Amelia cried. "I wanna play!"
"No! Pick me! Me-me-me-me-me!" Atalya cried.
"Sorry, but only two of you are allowed to participate. There can only be three contestants, and Miss Lina is already one of them...and....Gourry and Atalya are the other two!" Ertai laughed.
"Yes!" Atalya and Gourry exclaimed in unison.
"Awww...darn..." said Amelia.
"Oh well! I guess you can make up the audience...along with Zephyre and Zelgadis!" Xellos grinned.
"Ugh!" Zelgadis grunted.
"WHAT?! You mean I have to stay here and watch this disgusting, completely devoid of intelligence display?! I'm out of here..." Zephyre groaned. As she got up to run away, she was zapped back into a seat and locked into place by Xellos' spell. He did the same to Zelgadis and gave him a foam finger that clearly stated, 'Miss Lina's number one!'. Zephyre got a little black flag, that said, 'Yay Mister Gourry!'. Amelia got a T-shirt to wear that said, 'Girl Power'. Filia got a hat saying, 'Mazoku R cool'.
"Cool! Stadium seating!" Amelia grinned.
"This sucks..." Zelgadis pouted.
"...Sucks ass." Zephyre complained.
"Dirty Namagomi freaks..." Filia whined.
Suddenly, they were all teleported to a large dark room. Then, the lights flashed on, hurting Zelgadis' eyes. As they recovered, he looked down at Atalya, Gourry, and Lina dressed up like they were going somewhere nice, sitting in front of, from his view, what looked like a large ring. There was a board with both white and green squares bordered in gold. Xellos had on a purple suit. Of course...Zelgadis thought, sighing. Wheel of Fortune. Dammit! I should have seen this coming! He then looked at Ertai, whose outfit was probably the most surprising. He had on a white evening gown with spaghetti straps and white gloves that came up to his elbows. He didn't look too happy. After seeing this, Zelgadis turned to Zephyre, who was trying her hardest not to laugh out loud at Ertai. Zephyre thought Ertai's dress made him look sort of fat, since his body probably wasn't built to wear dresses in the first place. Nice dress though...
"Wow..." Amelia said, bewildered at Ertai's clothes. "You look really pretty in your dress, Mister Ertai!" she called.
"Who are you supposed to be? Vanna White?" Zephyre mocked.
"Shut up!" he shot back, defensively. He then turned to Xellos. "Why are you doing this?! Remember what you're supposed to be doing!?"
Xellos frowned. "You're no fun. However, I think I'll keep you like this until you learn the meaning of that word."
"You think I don't know what fun is...well, I can tell you I know what isn't fun...crossdressing!"
"Hey! He's right! You guys do that to me all the time! It's not fun! They even did it to Zelgadis!" Gourry said.
"Well anyway, it's time to play...THE WEAKEST LINK! Ok, so maybe not...it's time to play, 'The Wheel of Answers'!" Xellos said happily.
"'Wheel of Answers'...?" Filia thought. "Does that mean you're actually going to translate these runes for us?!"
Xellos grinned. "That all depends on their answers, as well as banking skills...okay, so maybe just your answers. BUT!" he exclaimed. "Before you spin it, you have to sing the, 'Wheel of Answers' song."
Zephyre groaned. "The 'Wheel of Answers' song? Oh give me a break..."
Zelgadis sighed. "Lina has to sing again? This might be worse than I thought..."
"A...song?" Lina squeaked.
"Yes. It goes,
'Wheel of Answers, spin, spin, spin,
Give us the questions so we can win.'
Quite catchy, if you ask me." Xellos smiled unpleasantly.
"Sounds important!" Gourry said.
Atalya sighed. "Sounds boring..."
"Sounds like....what was that, voice in my head?...oh yeah! Sounds like it sucks to be you guys! Hey...this is actually pretty fun!" Zephyre mocked.
"..." Zelgadis sighed. <(((_-))>
"Well! Let's begin!" Xellos said, grinning uncontrollably. "Miss Lina, since you are here against your will, you may begin."
"Good." Lina said bluntly. She spun the wheel and it landed on the area labeled, 'Jackpot'.
"YES! YESYESYESYESYES!!! Hahahahahahahahahaaaa! I win!"
"Um no...I don't think so, Miss Lina." Ertai said flatly.
"What?"
"Yeah." Xellos said sadly. "I'm real sorry Miss Lina, but you start out with a -1,000 bonus because you neglected to sing the song."
"WHAT?!" Lina roared. "But....but...I'll sing the song! I'll do it! I'll do it right now:
'Wheel of Answers, spin, spin, spin,
Give us the questions so we can win.'
See?"
"Sorry, Miss Lina." Ertai smirked. "You blew it."
"Noooooooooo!"
"I'm SO sorry Miss Lina!" *Xellos mock-sobs for not even a second* "Okay, enough of that. Your turn, Mister Gourry!"
"Okay! and I'm gonna sing the song, and make the same stupid mistake Lina did." he said, proud that for once, Lina was the one who screwed up, and not him. Lina sneered as he sang the song mockingly:
'Wheel of Answers, spin, spin, spin,
Give us the questions so we can win.'
He then spun the wheel and landed on . "Okay. I know how this works...I'll buy an 'E'."
Xellos (along with everyone else) seemed impressed with Gourry's knowledge of the game. "Um....okay...Vanna! Put the 'E's up!"
Ertai leered at Xellos and unenthusiastically raised his arms, revealing the 'E's on the board.
"Hey!" Gourry said. "You didn't tell us the question!"
"Oh yeah...um...ask it now, then!" Xellos sweatdropped.
"Okay...um...what do those runes say on that thingie that Lina found?"
"Okay." Xellos said, grinning, much to Zelgadis' dismay.
After Lina, Gourry, and Atalya had played multiple turns of 'Wheel of Answers', the screen looked like this:
S-*-*-E *-* *-*-M-*-*-S-* *-E-S-*
After one more round of turns, the screen clearly stated, to the Slayers crew's immense grief:
S-O-R-E W-A H-I-M-I-T-S-U D-E-S-U
"Man...I can't believe this!" Lina yelled.
"This sucks..." Zephyre sighed.
"...Sucks ass." Zelgadis whined.
"Oh man...." Gourry said.
"Mister Xellos! Mister Ertai! You're both so...MEAN!!" Amelia cried.
Filia groaned. "Typical Mazoku..."
"Ugh...all this way for nothing..." Atalya sighed.
"And now! We'll be seeing you!" Xellos said, giggling as he and Ertai teleported away.
Suddenly a bunch of random characters from different animes came in. Chichiri (Fuushigi Yuugi) was among them.
"How ya doin', ya know?" Chichiri said to Gourry.
"Um....I don't know" Gourry said, dumbfounded by Chichiri's sudden appearance.
"How come ya don't know, ya know?"
"What? I already told you, I don't know!"
"What? Ya know?"
"Huh? I don't know anything..."
" I can tell. Ya know?"
"What can you tell me?"
"That....well.....you're pretty dumb, ya know?"
"No, i didn't know that either."
"Geez! Ya know?"
"No....I don't know him."
"AUUUUUUUUUUGHHHHHH!!......ya know?"
Meanwhile, Zelgadis was having similar problems with Haruto (Haunted Junction).
"OHHHHHH MYYYY GOOOOOD!!!" Haruto cried at the top of his lungs.
"Oh come on! I don't look that frightening....thousands upon thousands of fangirls can't be wrong....can they? Why don't you tell me....what do they call you? Kaichou-san?" Zelgadis sighed.
"As a matter of fact, you do, of course they can, that's what I'm doing and Don't call me that!"
Lina's problems with Martina were not any better.
"Shrew! Witch! Whore! Slut! Pig! Washboard chest!" Martina teased.
"WHAT did you SAY?! I'll kill you, you stuck up...OOOHHH, you piss me off!!"
Amelia and Atalya's conflict with Matt Hill and David Moo was pretty bad as well.
"Hi! I'm Matt Hill! I did Ryo's voice from Ronin Warriors!" Matt Hill exclaimed.
"Um...so? I do the best anime characters voice; Xellos!" David Moo snapped.
"Eww!! You DO sound like him!" Atalya cried.
"ThaAat's a secret!" David Moo said evilly.
"Eeeeeeeeeeeek!" the girls screamed and kicked at them.
Koushiro (Digimon) tried to get impress Filia while she tried to blow him off, by drinking tea and trying to make him think she thought she was too good to talk to him.
"...and that's how we saved the digital world and all the Digimon! Isn't that the most prodigious thing you've ever heard?"
"Hmph!"
"Geez! Sor-ry for living!"
But Zephyre seemed to be enjoying the company of Seiji and Touma (Ronin Warriors).
"...and then those idiots thought that he would actually tell them what the runes meant! Can you believe that?" she exclaimed.
"Yeah..." Touma laughed. "That does sound pretty stupid."
"What is it with the alleged 'leaders' of these anime shows? They always think they know best when it's us, the second-in-command types, that really know what's going on!" Seiji said.
"Oh my gawd, I KNOW!" Zephyre said, exasperatingly.
Suddenly Zelgadis had a gut feeling that these people's appearance here was not purely coincidental. That only made matters worse, because he now suspected that these were illusions created by the Mahamoti Djinn. 'Ugh...Zelgadis thought. Doesn't that just beat all...'
